the frustration of the moment

addiction... a word with terrible connotations, but an interesting word at that. It comes in all shapes and sizes. And though we typically think of drugs, alcohol, or pornography; addiction can be anything from music, to people, to video games, to food. How does one deal with.... no, how does one love someone who's addicted? How do we show them there's a better way? It seems easy enough with those who are addicted to the "hard stuff" to logically say, "there is more to life". You just live a life that's drastically different, in a positive sense, than theirs is.

But what about those less in-your-face addictions? Friends, love, video games, food, and love... all these things are good, and needed even. Moderation is the key; my dad's words come back to me... but how do you tell someone they're addicted, when they are completely oblivious? How do you help show someone how much it hurts you; it hurts the people around them...? I want this person I love so dearly to know... I want them to see. They say they understand, and that they've changed... but it didn't last. I don't know how to show them the implications of it all. There are days when I wonder if they'll ever change.. I doubt. But then Lord reminds me that it's not my job, it's not their job to change themselves, or to "fix" themselves. That's His job. And he's in the business of radically transforming people's lives!! Praise God!!

hah.....follow up from last post (30 seconds ago)

so.... I have on a "popular" radio station in Chicago..... ironically, as I was posting that last post.... they announced that the next song was called "My life would suck without you"...... that's my prayer of thanksgiving... above all..My life would SUCK without Christ... :) (ok moody students.. please forgive the lack of depth in that theological statement.. but.. it's true.)

no title today

As my computer rips the songs off the CD of my favorite female Taiwanese singer, I find my way to you again oh dearest blog... It's been awhile, and for that I apologize. A lot has happened, even just in the last three weeks of my life. But as usual, God has shown up in mighty ways, and answered prayers. He's been my source of strength, love, and hope on the difficult days. And, he's given me a wonderful outlook on things.

This week marked coming back to Moody for the last half of the last semester of my first and last year for at least another year..... if you followed that, you're pretty good. That sentence mean, last Sunday I came back to Moody after 2 weeks off, for Spring break. The week before break was incredibly trying for me... I had a close friend from home who broke up with her fiancee, a friend who was in a coma, and hadn't talked to Dan in 5 days. Plus, there was the added stress of papers and tests, and all that other fun school stuff that you deal with when you're still AT school!

Anyway, I went home with some burdens on my heart, and questions in my mind. Somethings weren't computing, and I wasn't sure how to deal with that. My whole family and Dan were able to come get me at the airport, which was a huge blessing - it was great to see them all! :) But, within two days of being home, God led Dan and I to break up. So, I guess...in my round-about way, that is the center of this blog.... How God is helping me deal with breaking up with Dan after over a year.

Now, I'm not sure why I didn't just start out with that sentance, but oh well... I didn't, and the rest of that stuff is fairly important. Because, I suppose, more than just stuff with Dan, this blog is about God's provision.... in that situation, and many others in my life right now. God is SO good!!! And, I've become more accustomed to saying that in the last couple years of life...but, at the same time, I continue to become more and more amazed at the truth of that statement.
G O D I S S O G O O D !!!! Amen! thank you Father for being the truth in that statement!

Anyway, some of you probably read that "break up" sentance and got concerned, or saddened, etc....but don't... God knows, and though I might still have some questions,they're not as much about the "sad" part of a break up... they're about what I knew God was speaking to my heart, and the way God brought Dan into my life, and they're more questions to God, rather than just "oh, I'm so sad, I miss him.." type things.

Ok, I'm just rambling.I suppose I should write an outline of what I want to write, before I actually start in on these blogs... forgive me. But, in any case, God has given me the grace and ability to come back to school and start out w/ a very strong week, unlike I usually do when I get back from break. And, he's been continuing to HEAL my friend overseas who was in the coma, and that situation is much much better now! And, he's giving me peace about everything. Now, for sure, there will be difficult days on the road ahead, especially (probably) when I'm home and have more time to question things, and ponder the deeps meanings of this all. :) But, for now, life's not hard, and God has blessed me with friendships (with both guys and gals) that are getting deeper in light of alack of relationship w/ Dan. And for that I'm thankful. :)

I should add lots of scripture in here, I'm sure... but... I just wanted you to know that God is good, and provides for His children, heals them, protects their hearts, loves them, and desires for them to be close to His heart. How incredible.....? That the King of Kings desires.... US?!?! I stand in awe. Thank you Abba.

on this day of hearts

It's Valentine's day once again, and... for the first time in my life I actually have a valentine... well, what the world sees as a valentine. And, no, this blog is not about a deeper longing, and desire for purpose and all that jazz that people long for in this life.... Christ has fulfilled that. I wanted to write about the fact that, though I'm not lacking this year, and Christ is the man of the hour, it just pains me more and more to see this world around me fall to the lies of the enemy. Girls desperately seeking love in the wrong places, and men longing to fill that love, but not always for the right reasons or in the right way either.

And so, even more than in years past I'm incredibly grateful for my love.... my Lord. The man of the hour.... the man of my dreams. Tommy Walker sings... "What love, the father has lavished on us, that we should be called His sons, and daughters. Precious in His sight. Greater love, this world has never seen. When he hung on that tree. Oh, why... would He do such a thing for dirty sinners like you and me?..." and it goes on to thank God for loving us, and declares that He is the only one worthy of our everlasting praise. Amen! Indeed, what love has this God, that for me.... his messed up, filthy, raggedy little girl like me, he should die... a torturous, lonely, excruciatingly painful death.... FOR ME?!?!?! It astounds me... when i actually shut myself, and my world up enough to dwell on the truth in that... Christ died for me!

And in response to that... I can sing this song.. "Now I can... trade these ashes in for beauty. And wear forgiveness like a crown. Coming to kiss the feet of mercy. I lay every burden down. At the foot of the cross." That song (at the foot of the cross, by kathryn scott) goes onto talk about the fact that the foot of the cross was where grace and suffering meet. And that Christ has won my heart..... that's a challenging line "yes, you've won my heart".... but has he...wholly, completely? Can just anyone look at my life, for even a short ride on the El or the bus together, and see that He, my Jesus, and truely won my heart?.... that's convicting stuff.
But, oh, phooy... I'll just write all the words up here. My older brothers and sisters in the faith can convey my heart through words much better than I most days... and this is one of those days. So.... be blessed by these words... on this day of love,know that you are loved by the One who created you... in His amazing image, for His amazing purpose, for His amazing love.....be blessed

At The foot of the cross
where grace and suffering meet
You have shown me your love
through the judgment you received

And, You won my heart,
Yes, You won my heart,
now I can...

Trade these ashes in for beauty
and wear forgiveness like a crown
Coming to kiss the feet of mercy
I lay every burden down
at the foot of the cross

At The foot of the cross
where I am made complete
You have given me life
through the death You bore for me

And,You won my heart,
Yes, You won my heart,

in the silence

God + miranda + guitar + stillness = a good time. :)



ps - if you've never heard it... you should listen to Jason Upton's song... "In the Silence" this song has reopened my heart to God countless times, and just... yea.. it challenges me and renews my spirit every time i listen to it. :) go..... listen!! (now) :)

satan sucks!

ARGH!!!!!! why does satan have to watch us, and know us...? No, he doesn't know us like God knows us.. but... sigh. I don't know, this isn't much of a blog.. but i just needed to yell (or type) about how frustrating it is that when we finally feel like we're starting to get close to the heart of God again..... Satan is right there to say, "hah! you think i'm going tomake it that easy?" and he just works overtime. Not even by tempting us.. but.... just making us doubt, and question, and stealing our joy, and making us feel like god changes because of our circumstances. And.... why does satan have to be so convincing? HUMPH!!!!!

PS- I used "feel" on purpose there, because I know God doesn't change because of/with my circumstances.... but, it feels like that. argh you satan!

don't split the poles

"don't split the poles".....
Four words, but with such a profound meaning behind them. Tonight I met 'John', a man no more than 30, but with a history as long as America's. A man who's whole world revolved around how he's going to get his next high. A man who wonders where he's going to be able to buy enough drugs to turn around and sell so he can put food on the table for kids that aren't even his,and for a woman whose dominering nature and his own addictions are suffocating him as I write. Yet a man with loyalty that runs so deep, he even tries to protect me and make me understand why this loyalty is so important. Don't split the poles really means.... don't leave our group, don't abandon us.. they'll eat you alive out there if you do (go out there alone)..... it's dangerous on the other side of the pole. And he's right.... for 'John' and so many like him (and for us all, if we're honest), there's danger in being alone. there's danger in succluding ourselves, even if we don't mean to. But there's help, and security (even if it's minimal) in loyalty.

God's been challening my heart with loyalty a lot in this last year. I've had to give a deep look at what I see as loyalty, how I deal with staying loyal even when it's with things I don't agree with, and what type of loyalty I give to the people in my life. I've also had to wrestle with giving people too much loyalty, when I know they're "walking all over me" or when they don't return the loyalty. Now, I'm not saying that all loyalty needs to be returned, at least not in the same way... no, certainly not. But you can't be incredibly loyal to a person who doesn't give two hoots about you.. you just can't... and if you're trying.. it's not healthy. I'm convinced of that, and have been convicted of that lately.

God has used Dan's family, and lately, my Emmaus guys to challenge my heart in the area of loyalty. Things that they didn't get growing up that I did are yes of (some) importance, but I think there's a sense of loyalty and love that maybe i didn't see. A loyalty that runs so deep the bonds of addiction, abuse, jail, "the system".... nothing... can break it. Now, of course, sometimes with things like abuse,it's not healthy, nor good to keep that loyalty. But what I've found is more than not.... this incredible sense of loyalty is a wonderful thing. And sometimes, the only thing that gets people through.

How does this effect us white suburban people....? us middle-class christian people...? well... I'm not sure if it DOES... but it SHOULD impact us profoundly. I think this sense of loyalty is very much lacking in the church of today. Yes, we say we'll "pray for you" and we'll "be thinking of you".....but where does the rubber meet the road... what does that look like to someone trying to kick a meth habit, or someone trying to get out of the cycle of prostitution, or someone dealing with an extremely broken and disfunctional home...... what does our cliche "I'll pray for you" mean..? usually it means just another "institution" letting them down, but this time it's the church. The body of Christ. But that's not true.... or, it shouldn't be true. The body of Christ should rise above. Rise above the labels that are put on us, or the hypocracy that we hate but see all the time in our churches. Rise above and love people. Rise above and ACTUALLY pray. Rise above and see them where they are, desire to see them somewhere else... but take them as they are.... take them as Jesus does.

So how can I... how can you... how are we, as a body of Christ take people as Jesus does.... this week.....? Don't just think about it... do it! :)