circumstances

I'm so frustrated with myself!!!!! Why is it that I'm not in complete and total amazement and awe of my Creator? Why is it that I'm not overwhelmed with thankfulness 24/7 that I am joyful always, because of (and in) HIM?!?! Argh! Why am I a stupid human?!? It's so frustrating - and especially lately.. I'm just..I'mnot living in His joy - I'm not living in Him. I'm not daily waking up and making it a point to start out my day praising Him for who He is..... why? Why am I not doing that?
I think a lot of it is that I'm being emotional.... yes, i know.. female, emotional - makes sense.. but no.... that's not what I mean. I can love him when I'm listing to worship music, I can love him when I'm being encouraged in the word during a sermon, or when I'm watching the joy of someone being baptized..... but what's wrong with me? Why am I not loving Him fully when I'm on the El on my way to the store, or when I'm working out, or when I'm...I don't know....
Why am I relying on my feelings to love Him.. that's so wrong of me! God challenged me, and taught me about the fact that He's not a God of circumstances when I was in Asia. But... I think I came back with the mindset of "oh, well God taught me about that - so I'm done with that lesson..." HAH! Who wa I kidding - we're never done learning lessons from God, even if we've learned them 50 times already.
I don't know.. maybe I'll calm down a bit,and know how to explain myself even better later today...... but, for now...it's time to say "thank you Abba!"