I'm so frustrated with myself!!!!! Why is it that I'm not in complete and total amazement and awe of my Creator? Why is it that I'm not overwhelmed with thankfulness 24/7 that I am joyful always, because of (and in) HIM?!?! Argh! Why am I a stupid human?!? It's so frustrating - and especially lately.. I'm just..I'mnot living in His joy - I'm not living in Him. I'm not daily waking up and making it a point to start out my day praising Him for who He is..... why? Why am I not doing that?
I think a lot of it is that I'm being emotional.... yes, i know.. female, emotional - makes sense.. but no.... that's not what I mean. I can love him when I'm listing to worship music, I can love him when I'm being encouraged in the word during a sermon, or when I'm watching the joy of someone being baptized..... but what's wrong with me? Why am I not loving Him fully when I'm on the El on my way to the store, or when I'm working out, or when I'm...I don't know....
Why am I relying on my feelings to love Him.. that's so wrong of me! God challenged me, and taught me about the fact that He's not a God of circumstances when I was in Asia. But... I think I came back with the mindset of "oh, well God taught me about that - so I'm done with that lesson..." HAH! Who wa I kidding - we're never done learning lessons from God, even if we've learned them 50 times already.
I don't know.. maybe I'll calm down a bit,and know how to explain myself even better later today...... but, for now...it's time to say "thank you Abba!"