Monday, September 29, 2008


I'll let you know now - this is the longest yet - I'm sorry.... :/ but my heart and spirit needed this....

This has been a week (or so.. a bit longer really) of reminiscing..... missing Asia, missing friends and family in Iowa. And not knowing which is stronger, and not feeling wonderful nor fully plugged in here. Idk. I thought about it tonight as I sat in a room with two girls I didn't know at all, one girl I kind of know, and one girl I know pretty well.... I felt completely out of it per-say... I feel the most complete when I'm alone with God,and yes, that's an oxymoron, but oh well - deal with it! :) And I feel most alone in a crowded room usually. Strange.. and all of this coming from the girl who's supposed to be very outgoing, and loves meeting new people. The relational person.... but there's loneliness in being relational unless they're deep friendships that span time and encounters/experiences and everything that goes along with those two.

I think I need to try harder to befriend girls... i don't know why it's always been so difficult, but argh! it is! I know I need them, but it's hard. I've never related to them as well as guys. I can only be "girly" for so long. And no, that's not something that necessarily needs to be a part of a female friendship - but I think it does have it's time and place. But for me - not very often... that's just not me. I hear girls screeching and giggling loudly in the hall, and I roll my eyes.... But, I'm not usually very good about praying for deep relationships with girls. I do sometimes, but not nearly as often as I should. :/

Anyway.. about reminiscing.. as this crazy scattered blog of mine is titled - I wanted to copy down a few things I wrote while in Cambodia...... oh how I miss it.... so desperately. Dear Lord keep me content... not keep me... MAKE me content Lord. May I know that you DO have me here for a reason.. and if you may be so gracious, show me why that is... why you have me at Moody, in Chicago for this season. And, if you'd also be so willing and gracious, show me how long you want this season to be.... may I feel at complete peace about it all. But.. if it's not your will for me to know... then keep me moving through each day with a love and passion for you so much that it doesn't matter where I long as you are there with me, which.. I know you are Lord. Thank you for that. Thank you for waking up next to me this morning, and going through this day with me. I love you Abba!

The hospital is nothing like what I expected at all. I was expecting an actual building with hallways and rooms connected. But no - well, I guess it's some of that - there are rooms. But they're totally open-air and each room serves as another family's home. Bu they're not in a normal building, it's a slab of dirty concrete - one, big, long lonely slab of a building where they stuck metal frames with thin boards of wood and called them beds, and said this is "home." But home... what does the word home mean for an AIDS family.

For one girl of only 4 years old, it means having a couple take care of her now that both of her parents have died of AIDS within the last 6 months. It means a wife, trying to raise two of her three children while the oldest if off in the world trying to make a way for himself, while she copes with having AIDS herself. But the hardest part - watching her husband, an unfaithful man... the man who's given her this wretched disease - watching him die such a miserable death, knowing it's his fault that she's infected. And knowing she's going to die the same way he is now, the only difference is that he won't be alive to take care of her. She'll be alone.... this is pain. "

and the last one is from the 2nd day in the country - Nov. 29th, 2007
"The face of poverty has already struck me. As I sit in a good room, writing with a good pen, in a good journal, clothed in good clothes, surrounded by good people. I cannot get her pitiful but beautiful face out of my mind. A little girl, no older than seven... who, only four hours ago was begging at my ankles for money. The dirt and grime that covered her soft sweet face remind me...nothing in her life is good....

Yes, the world can look on and say "if only she was in school. If only she didn't have to beg. If only her father was around. If only she wasn't poor. If only, if only......" But my heart cries out - If only she knew such a GOOD God. Not a God who has good, or does good, but who.. in His essance IS good... Then she would have goodness overflowing upon her. My heart breaks for the people of Cambodia. I love them... Christ loves them.... enough to live and die for them." (the rest was about my promise to God for the time that I was there in cambodia..)

THIS... is what I miss. this is what my heart longs for - at least in some sense... Lord, let me be in ministry. I love PCM, and Emmaus - those are the brightest times of my week. I absolutely love them. God, keep me faithful, and content in them... knowing that you have me here to learn too... and much as it's extremely hard for my heart to grasp or like that... it's true. You are amazing Father... remind me of that, so that my heart may be alined with yours. I love you Abba!

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