questions....

"you are where God wants you- and you will do so much more ministry with education behind it mird- it's good...love asia, pray for asia, stay in the states- finish school...go spread love".....
My best friend sent this to me this morning. There are just times of incredible doubt, challenging, questioning, reasoning..... pleading. Pleading with God to show me that this is where He wants me, for this time, in this season.... asking for clear confirmation. There hasn't been that since Asia. I earnestly seek,but the answers aren't coming. I hate following blindly,and thought sometimes we need to - I don't think God always wants us to. We have to own our faith, and part of that is being in such communion with Christ that we know what He wants for our lives.
Why God....? why am I here...why now.... why chicago.... why moody..... why NOT Asia.... What NOT on the field.... why NOT in ministry? Will I really have to endure four more years....?
There's passion in me.. I know it... somewhere... but, if I'm not passionate about where God has placed me in this season - honestly.... how effective can I be in this place? God show me - teach me - mold me - make me - but right now....... be the reason I live, and therefore, the reason I'm here... be the reason I stay, or go.... be the reason I do everything - for if I don't do it in your love, as 1 Corinthians says - it's worth nothing.
I can't deny that God brought me back home for a specific reason - but did I truly stay because of Him... or did I stay for selfish reasons...? Did i mask my own selfish desire to stay, by saying that God told me to....? Honestly, part of that answer is yes. But, did God still want it..... I don't know.... sigh.. just the ramblings of a life-long student.God show me...... please.....